What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
