Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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