Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
