Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
