turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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