My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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