my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
