I just cut my nipple shaving
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
