ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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