he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
