I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
