My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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