I heard we made out
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
