we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
