My liver just broke up with me...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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