wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
