dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
