Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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