I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
