I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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