Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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