Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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