I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
