Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
