Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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