Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
