You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
