Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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