Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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