I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
