dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
BRING THE BAGELS
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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