I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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