We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
