I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
