I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
