i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
