shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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