she woke up with a sticky ear
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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