I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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