Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
