To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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