I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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