I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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