The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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