my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
