I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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