I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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