I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
