battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
