When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You are the jesus of drinking
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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